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Young couple supporting family in poor country..
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waverider View Drop Down
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Joined: 27 Jan 2010
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    Posted: 27 Jan 2010 at 5:43pm
Hi,
 
I used to be an active member while in the process of sponsoring my husband. He has been here in Canada with me now for over a year so I haven't been around as much!
 
Not sure if this is relevant, but I remember the forum as being a good source of feedback so thought I would try it out.
 
Basically, my husbands family comes from a developing country and are quite poor. We have been supporting them for the past few years, but at certain points I feel so overwhelmed and like it is too much. We are both very young, and I just graduated from University this year, with my husband immigrating here earlier last year.
Our agreement with his family is that we are paying for University for the oldest of his siblings. However there have been many health crisis and other emergencies over the years to which we have paid for. I would say on top of school related costs every month, we are paying a few hundered + every second month for other unexpected things that pop up with his family. I am sure many of you are framiliar with this.
 
Usually I am fine with this but sometimes I feel really overwhelmed, and even resentful. When we are visiting at his family home, EVERY cost that occurs throughout the day, we cover (food, bus fare, any small bills etc). We volunteer to cover many, but if not, we are asked to by family members. Now we are paying inscription and uniform costs for all siblings this month (there are alot of siblings!).
 
I don't really know where I am going with this...just thought it might be nice to hear how some other young couples (or even older couples!) are handling this with families that need financial assitance.I feel like I could be more comfortable with it if I didn't have such big student loans myself, and working so hard to get set up as a mid- 20's recent grad.
 
I can't really talk to any of my friends here in Canada..none have really dealt with anything similar. They generally think we should not be expected to help to this extent, but they don't live with the reality of very poor family members in need - I feel that it is not really possible to say 'no' when they are truly in need and have very few, if any, other options. All who can find employment in the family are employed (pay is about $3-4/day).
 
On one hand I feel like the only answer is to just accept this as my destiny. The problem is only a little bit a problem of money management on their side - mostly it is just the reality of living in a developing country. So if I do say "no" to certain things (like the uniform, or food, bus fare, etc) they will really just have to go without - they don't really have another option.
 
Any insights or others who can share would be apprecaited! How did you make peace with becoming an ATM overnight?
 


Edited by waverider - 27 Jan 2010 at 5:49pm
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KAMJIT View Drop Down
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HOw were they fullfilling their financial needs when you weren't around to send them money?
 
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rbenoit View Drop Down
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Not to sound like an ass but you need to take care of yourself first and formost.
I made it very clear to my spouse that I will not help support her family back home.
I also made it very clear that whenever she is working she can send as much money as she wants to back to her family to help them.
The reality is sometimes our foreign extended families think we are rich here because our salaries are so much higher then in developing countries but what they dont understand is that the cost of living is much higher here to. Sure the average salary in the Philippines might be about $200 - $250 a month but I also know you can live off that much to.
So thats it. I will not be that ATM and the money I make is to support us here and make a life for us here and even with just the 2 of us we sometimes spend more in a month than I make and we have to pull back on the spending for awhile. 


Edited by rbenoit - 28 Jan 2010 at 3:27pm
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yere View Drop Down
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I think this is an issue between you and your spouse. You need to decide what you're both comfortable with and what your limits are. You are not obligated, but you have to remember that you married someone with (I guess) a much stronger sense of community and family ties then many Canadians. Your spouse may always feel you have more money to spare than you feel. Sometimes it's hard for them to understand your need to go out to a restaurant as a treat and it's hard for you to understand that they have no word for cousins they're all sisters and brothers ha! Though my husband never said it I was fully aware that there would be times that I would be helping my husband's extended family (as I help my own in Canada) when I married him. They are not as fortunate as me to be born in a rich country-so I'm willing to give up some pleasures to help out. But I'm not forced, we discuss it and compromise. I think it's not fair if they (or your spouse) expects you will help them with every cost that comes up. You could give them your whole paycheck every month and they will still have unmet needs. Don't become resentful-try to come up with something that feels fair/reasonable to both of you.
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Originally posted by KAMJIT KAMJIT wrote:

HOw were they fullfilling their financial needs when you weren't around to send them money?
 
 
This was my first thought. Before your husband moved to Canada- how were they paying for these things? Was this an agreement that you and your husband had prior to getting married?
 
I can completely understand why you are stressed and unhappy to constantly be forking over money. Although to his family members it may seem like over here in Canada we are all well off- but the cost of living and the economy is completely different so that is just not the case. I don't think this is your "destiny" unless you allow it to be. I think that you are possibly getting taken advantage of, and although it is family and you want to help- there is a limit and at some point I think you must draw the line.
 
I hope this isn't out of line, but I was just curious- does your husband make good money, or is the majority of the money that you guys send, money that you earned? Can I also ask what country they are from?
 
I really feel for your situation and think you should talk to your husband about it and see if you guys can't come up with some new financial boundaries. Good luck!
 
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Siouxie View Drop Down
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It must be very stressful for you and no doubt is causing friction with your husband.
 
I have not experienced this at all but do have a suggestion to make.
 
How about if you and your husband sat down and worked out the maximum amount of all their costs per month (university, clothing, healthcare, unexpected expenses) and told them that you will arrange a direct transfer to them of this amount each month.  You would need to explain that they will have to manage this money themselves as no more would be sent.
 
Whilst I am sure life is very hard for them, perhaps they do not realise that this is causing you both hardship.  If they know they have a fixed sum coming in each month, they may find that they can manage it themselves.
 
As to when you stay with them - how about giving them an amount of cash when you get there and say "this is for the additional expenses you will need to have for us staying with you" - then only pay for absolute essential "extra's".
 
Are there any other family members living overseas who can also help?
 
I think you have to help them help themselves.
 
I hope things improve for you Smile
 
 
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I used to send my husband money every two weeks. When I went to visit him I was surprised to see that for the amount that I had sent him he had nothing really to show for it. And I know that $600 a month gos a long way in buying food here in canada. I have asked him what he has done with the money and he says that he paid bills and bought food.  Well that didn't cut it for me. So I helped him set up a business and that is it! No more money, so since last march he has been running his own business. Although it is not doing that well I feel that it is not my problem and I will not help out with it. Also, I told my husband up front that I am not supporting his family. We may help out his mother, youngest sister who lives with the mother and a niece whos mother passed away and the father has moved on. But that is it. My husband will work when he gets here and it is clear to him that our bills come first before handing money out to family who don't know what to do with it.  
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We may help out his mother, youngest sister who lives with the mother and a niece whos mother passed away and the father has moved on. ... that sounds like a bit of family to me...

jokes aside, I moved to a third world country with very little and my husband´s family thought I could solve their problems. I was a newcommer and they would imply that we pay for meals and cabs when we all went out.
So I stopped going out with them, I sat my husband down and told him that we are a family now, and though it may sound selfish, you have to look at yourself before others.
My plan, set up a budget, if they have emergencies they have to work them out, and be firm about it.

You know what they say give a man a fish... teach your extended family to fish.
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ya launched, lmao I got excited - but really I meant like his sisters, brothers, my sister inlaws, brother inlaws. You know extended families are out side of canada! seems like the whole community is related
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Hi everyone,
 
thanks for your help!
 
I sort of abandoned this post when I thought there were no responses, but that doens't seem to be the case.
 
As to how they supported themselves before - well, they did of course manage to get by, but their standard of living is quite low (e.g. no indoor plumbing or electricity, they are all living in a small one room shelter with dirt floor...I am sure many of you are framiliar with this situation). So while they always have food and what they "need", they often did have to go without.
 
Now education costs for brothers and sisters and any medical bils (simple prescriptions and doctors visits etc, which my husbands mom now needs) are what are really adding up as everyone gets older.
 
The reality is, the family *can't* support as many children as they have, which makes it hard for me. In Canadian culture (generally) we only have as many children as we can afford. In other countires this is not so much the case (for many reasons).
 
So yes, the money is mainly used for food, education costs, and medical bills (nothing frivolous), which is what makes it hard to say 'no'.
 
I ahve been fine with giving for many years, and we DID have a set amount to send every month that we could afford, only now every month there are multiple calls with requests for more money. (last month we sent money 4 times, to pay basic pub.school tuition for some and blood pressure pills for my husbands mom).
 
It is really the culture clash that is the problem (I know I have to say "no" to paying even food and medical costs of this family if I am going to save my sanity and stay out of serious debt, but the fact is, with such a large family and an absentee dad, his family is in dire economic situation).
 
Sorry for the rant. Just reading from ppl in a similar situation is helpful.
 
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